When I was about 24, starting out at my first job post graduate school, a very wise mentor told me (as I was having one of what would turn out to be many break downs in his office), "Jen, you have 100% to give and no matter how hard you try, no matter how much passion you have - you don't have any more than that." As an eager young professional, that was particularly hard to hear, but he was right. No matter how hard I tried, something had to give and that was okay. I couldn't be in two places at once, I couldn't solve every problem alone, and I eventually needed to eat and sleep.
When you're a working parent, and god forbid you have a hobby on top of that, it's easy to feel like you need to give full, constant attention to everything you do. After all, anything less than 100% isn't giving your all and I've read enough trolling internet comments to know that my kids need me 24/7 or they will become recluse sociopaths with trust issues! /sarcasm font
The key to all of this is that it doesn't flipping matter. I have 100% and damn it, I know that I give it every day. I give it to my husband, to my children, to my coworkers, to my job, and to myself. I am okay that my focus ebbs and flows with the day and know that staying late at work won't spoil my children's love for me. I know that reading three extra bedtime stories and not finishing a blog post won't destroy my reader base. I know that leaving the dishes in the sink so I can watch a movie with Jeff won't make the house fall down. I know going for a run to save my sanity isn't abandoning my responsibilities. Heck, I'm writing this blog post as Jeff makes dinner and the kids run around the living room playing, despite not seeing me all day.
There are people out there trolling the internet who'd love to make me feel bad about all of these things, but I don't. Parenthood can be alienating enough without feeling guilty about doing the best that you can.
I also think it's important to highlight that while I'm out there not doing it all, I'm also not doing it alone. I have an amazing husband (who I gushed about here...) who helps keep this house together and is on the front lines with me every single day. He certainly deserves credit for the daily balancing act I perform for the masses.
My answer to this age old question has evolved over the years. While yes, I certainly take it as a compliment as it recognizes the hard work I put in, I no longer just shrug and smile modestly. I want people to know, other Mothers to know, that I'm not doing it all, but that the things I am doing are being done with my whole heart and that that is enough. When I'm with my family, that is our time and I want it to be as rich and joyful as it can be. When I'm at work, I will give it everything I have and put other things aside. When I go for a run, I (try to) appreciate the time alone for myself and put my to do list out of my head. I'm still getting used to that last one.
Even though the feeling creeps in every once in a while, that guilt of not being able to simultaneously give my job 100% and my family 100% and myself 100%, I remember that I only have 100% and that it takes balance and a bit of juggling, but that I can only feel guilty with my own permission. My hope is that all Mothers, Mothers who are questioning their success or doubting their impact, can feel this sense of peace - even if we need reminding of it once in a while.
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